The Five Second Rule
by Eria
Summary: Short Story. Tsuzuki ate something at the Earl's party he shouldn't have. Hilarity ahead!


**_Author's Notes:_**_ This was to_ supposed _to meet a Muraki/Tsuzuki challenge in a Valentine's meme. But if you've read ANY of my stories, we all know how I don't ship them. I've only written it once in a tsuzuslash comm on livejournal and it was more dark and gore than any sexual themes to it. However, if you squint real hard as you read you can see Muraki/Tsuzuki. Ish. _

_Regardless, hope you enjoy!_

**Warning**_: _Hisoka's kinda OOC. The Earl's pervy. Tsuzuki is leered at.

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><p>As usual Earl's parties were lacking company other than Juuocho's branch. It seemed none of the other shinigami or staff wanted to risk being groped by floating gloved hands as a voice added some lewd commentary from a hovering mask.<p>

Tsuzuki couldn't give a rat's ass. There was plenty of food and drink, specifically pastries and booze, which he was currently indulging heavily in.

"Don't you think you've had enough? You're on your fifth bottle of wine," Hisoka hissed at him.

"Hah, I don't even have a buzz yet. My record's 15 bottles." At Hisoka's disapproving look Tsuzuki raised his hands in defense, "Look, I'm not trying to beat it tonight or anything. That hangover was the worst!"

"Considering you have to give yourself alcohol poisoning to feel any buzz at all doesn't surprise me, bro," Watari piped in, sidling up to him and wrapping an arm around him. "That's why I've made *this*." He opened his palm up and held sealed packet out to him.

Tsuzuki picked it up and inspected it, while Hisoka sipped his non-alcoholic beverage and shot a glare at him for touching anything Watari had a hand in. "Not that I'm planning on taking whatever drug you've whipped up, but what's it supposed to do?"

"While I disagree with your tone of voice and insinuation that it does not work, I am quite happy to say it most certainly does. It lets us experience humanity temporarily. Meaning we could get drunk. When's the last time you were able to get tipsy and not just blackout?"

"Sounds like a bad idea," Hisoka said, though it wasn't obvious whether he was unhappy to hear another reminder of Tsuzuki's alcoholism or not.

"Yeah." Tsuzuki put the packet back into Watari's hand and shrugged the arm off of him.

"Your loss," Watari said in a singsong, giddy way as the packet disappeared into the folds of his tux. There was an unnatural flush to his sweaty skin, but he didn't stick around for either of them to comment on it.

"He took it himself," Hisoka mentioned quietly.

"I'll end up holding his head up over one of the Earl's toilets if he isn't careful."

"I don't think he really cares."

Tsuzuki silently agreed. He watched Watari meander over to Chief Konoe and Wakaba.

Hisoka shifted his feet uncomfortably. "Why do you drink so much?"

"Because for a little bit it can help me remember, and sometimes it helps me forget."

A puzzled frown was his response, but the slight figure turned away ending the suddenly uncomfortable tension.

"My, Tsuzuki. You're looking positively ravishing tonight."

He felt sweat bead up under the wool suit he was wearing. "Evening, Earl. The desserts are delicious as usual."

A floating hand grasped somewhere a chin normally would be under the mask and a sigh was emitted. "I know. I had the chefs make all your favorites and bring out only the best wine for you."

Before the Earl could move closer and bridge the personal space separating him from Tsuzuki's supple, yet lean form, Hisoka stepped between them as if he had done it only incidentally. Incidentally, if Hisoka hadn't practically been pressed against Tsuzuki. "Good evening, Earl. Did you need something from him?"

"Oh! How romantic! Are you offering to pay off Tsuzuki's debts?"

Tsuzuki froze, and none of the chatter from his closest coworkers seemed much important.

"What exactly does he owe you?" Hisoka asked plaintively.

"A little of this and a little of that." The other floating hand waved dismissively. "A rather paltry sum of money that he could never hope to pay off without the more creative solutions I've already proposed to him."

"A-ah, Hisoka," Tsuzuki started, but was ignored.

"Exactly how much are we talking about?"

The hand waved for him to step closer and the mask bent low to his partner's ear.

"See? He nor you could ever pay me what I needed."

Hisoka's right hand went to his back pocket and pulled out his wallet while his other hand pulled out a pen from his left front pocket of his jacket. Clicking the pen open, he pulled out a neatly folded blank check and put the wallet away. Quickly he wrote in an amount with alot of zeroes from what Tsuzuki could glance from it, and then signed it, folded it back together, and handed it over. "That should take care of any interest, correct?"

"Well done, Kurosaki-kun. I would never have thought you could have had so much saved with this insatiable puppy as your partner." Two gloved fingers closed gracefully over the offered check. "I accept this as payment for the multiple debts Tsuzuki owes me." The mask moved around him and leaned somewhat close to a shocked Tsuzuki. "But I expect that you'll be back for more favors for me to fulfill. And when that time comes, I expect a down-payment," the voice had dropped an octave and was deliberately smooth implying darker pastimes better spent in bed.

Tsuzuki hated himself a little at the shiver that raced down his back, but his throat was clamped down so he said nothing as the Earl said farewell and departed. He rounded on Hisoka. "You didn't have to do that."

"I did. The situation between you and him was only going to get worse. You know what I read from him just now? Disappointment. He was sure you would be gullible enough to follow him into a secluded room tonight. And when you did, he was going to take your debts from your flesh."

"How do you know? He never follows through."

"Why are you so upset?"

Tsuzuki couldn't tell his partner that it was because he liked the Earl's attention. He shrugged, "I don't like that you clean up after me. I made my choices. I should have to deal with them."

Hisoka let out a frustrated noise. "I was trying to help you. Don't complain." With that, his partner stomped away.

Sighing, Tsuzuki sulked on his way to the pastry table. He blinked at the full plate of eye-popping pink pastries. Picking it up, he popped one into his mouth. "Mmmm!" _Heavenly~!_ But by himself now, he felt depressed. He looked across the room and saw Hisoka, still looking sharp in his tuxedo, chatting with Wakaba, also stunning in her gown.

He thought he might have been rash to complain to Hisoka about it when he was just trying to be nice...

Walking toward them, he smiled when Wakaba waved him over to join their conversation.

"Ooh! What do you have there, Tsuzuki?" She asked curiously, eyeing the treats on his plate.

"I dunno, but they're good!"

Hisoka looked completely unaffected of course.

"Would you like some, Wakaba?"

"Yeah!" But just as he was reaching over to pass one to her, Watari jostled into him and the entire plate fell to the ground with a crash.

"Hey, bro...! This is a hopping part-ay!"

"Watari..." Wakaba whined as she stared at the floor, "Those pastries had looked so delicious too!"

While Watari looked dumbly at the ground and swayed, Tsuzuki scooped several up, mindful to brush the shards of plate off of them. "Five second rule!" he shouted and popped them in his mouth.

"You're going to regret eating off the floor one of these days," Hisoka snapped at him.

"I've got an iron stomach! Stop being so fuss..." Tsuzuki blinked hard and rubbed at his eyes as his vision went blurry. "You worry too much, Hisoka!"

"What's wrong now?"

Tsuzuki felt his throat get tight and brought his hand up to loosen his tie. "Nothing's w—" and fell down with a thud.

* * *

><p>It was all kinda garbly after that. Tsuzuki wasn't sure how much time had passed when he opened his eyes and stared up at the infirmary ceiling. His stomach gurgled hungrily.<p>

He sat up pushing the blanket back, noticing that he was in a bed kimono then. Strangely, the sheets were made of silk. After drinking some of the water in a glass on the stand, he twisted and leaned forward off the bed. He called out, "Hey Watari! You here?"

"Yes," came the smooth voice and familiar steps strode their way towards him. The curtain was slid back, and Tsuzuki remained very still on the bed as he stared in dismay.

"Um, Watari, did you mean for that drug to affect your appearance?"

The pale, pale scientist with long silvery, blond hair showed pearly teeth with his smile and his silver eyes were amused. "What are you talking about, Tsuzuki? It flushed out of my system this morning." It did not sound like Watari. It did not feel like Watari. Tsuzuki was extremely unnerved.

He was already mapping out an escape plan when the second Muraki came in with an intimidating aura.

"Oh good, you're awake. There's a new case. Kurosaki's already been briefed."

"Uh..." Tsuzuki was very confused now. His instinctive response of 'THERE'S TWO OF YOU?' would have sounded very silly. Obviously something was wrong with him. "Yes."

"Tsuzuki, are you alright? You look very disoriented." The Muraki with the round-shaped glasses adjusted them and leaned in closer. Tsuzuki could smell his cologne and leaned back in response. "Yes, fine!" He scrambled out of bed and kept them in his sights—even though he knew it was only Tatsumi and Watari—and ran down the hall to the Shinigami Office.

His name was called, but he didn't respond as he opened the door and slammed it behind him. Leaning against the frame, he was trying to work out exactly what the hell was going on.

"Tsuzuki?" The voice was young, but it still had that telltale lilt to it. Tsuzuki jumped back against the door in surprise. There stood Muraki, twenty-some-odd years younger with a concerned look on his face. His hair was more blond than silver, but his eyes were still that curious shade of liquid steel. It was that scruffy orange sweater that gave away his true identity.

"H-hisoka! Hi!" Tsuzuki managed with a strained voice.

The curious look of appraisal gave way to suspicion with narrowed eyes and tightened lips. "What's wrong? You're acting like you're hiding from somebody."

"N-no. Hah-ha. Why would you think that? Come on, Tatsumi said that we had a case to complete right?"

Those silver eyes leered as they flicked down to his feet and back up to his face, sending a shiver of anticipation down Tsuzuki's spine. "You're hardly dressed to go."

_Oh, hell_, Tsuzuki thought as he felt his body react. His face became feverish after he swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. He pushed himself up and reached for the doorknob. Suddenly, the Muraki that was really Hisoka was in his space, leaning against the door. "Until you tell me what's going on, you're going nowhere."

Jerking back, Tsuzuki was well and truly flustered. "Um, well... y-you see."

His partner leveled a stare at him, waiting impatiently if the tapping of his finger against his arm was any indication.

"You know... I'm not feeling too good. I really shouldn't have eaten off the ground, you know?"

The silver eyes flicked down his front, while the expression remained unmoved. "No, I don't know. Why don't you explain it to me clearly?"

"I love you, okay. This isn't—I mean, I can't handle this right now. I need to go home before I do something—uh... Hisoka, what are you doing?"

The slight teen had leaned in close again. "You want to kiss me."

"No. No, I definitely do not," Tsuzuki answered automatically.

"Don't lie to me. I can feel your desire. You want to tear off my pants and get me to bend over."

Jaw dropping open, Tsuzuki was so shocked that he didn't know what to say.

"Hey, you don't think I haven't noticed every time I bend over? Why do you think I wear these jeans?"

"Uh-hhuh uh... I mean... uh because they fit you?"

The teen rolled his eyes. "Stop it. I know how you feel. You're just afraid to follow through."

"Is that why you paid the Earl off, Hisoka? Because you wanted me in your favor?"

"No, I wanted him to stop harassing you. I thought maybe when that stopped you'd finally notice that I'm more than willing." Muraki turned away looking annoyed. "I didn't figure you were this much of an idiot."

Tsuzuki slammed a hand on the door beside him and leaned in close. "Don't call me that. I had no idea that you wanted anything more, Hisoka."

A dark blush spread across the delicately pale cheeks and his mouth turned upwards in anticipation. Tsuzuki went in for the kiss, and when the lips he deepened it before he was violently pushed back.

"I can't believe you! I looked like—" Hisoka made a gagging noise and shook out his hands in disgust.

Even so, Tsuzuki was so happy. Hisoka was pissed off, yeah, but there he stood no longer looking like Muraki. Tsuzuki leaned in again, but Hisoka held him away with hands against his shoulders, turning his face away. "What is wrong with you? I saw what you saw—, " he spluttered before his lips were captured again and then he made a noise of relief and relaxed.

Pulling back, Tsuzuki smiled. "I guess you broke the spell."

Hisoka's lips barely curved into a smile, but his eyes softened.

Then the door opened.

Looking over, Tsuzuki stiffened.

An older looking Hisoka with square-rimmed glasses smiled at him gently. "There you are Tsuzuki."

Tsuzuki's nose spurted blood.

**End.**


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